I'm going to take this moment and backtrack a little bit, return to the origin of things.
About 1 year and 2-ish months ago I started this blog. Normally I'd be giving the exact numbers, but that's not on my mind this time (a relief?). I'll go ahead and give you the facts now, so that further confusion might be avoided:
This entry will not contain any information about recent events that might've occurred here in Japan, but rather what is on my mind right now.
That is in essence the reason I started writing here, a way to let my thoughts and feelings take shape in letters and words, and a great way to feed my ego by letting other people read this and agree that I am pretty awesome.
I quite quickly lost my way though. Now all I've been doing is writing exactly what I'm doing or have done recently, unoriginal for sure, but the information is also interesting (for some).
This entry is a way to look back at my roots, relieve me of this nostalgia, and have a good time.
Writing here has been an experience. At first trying out my wings, find the right pace. Then finding an upwind from where I could just stretch out my limbs and glide upon the current.
As you can tell, I'm all about the metaphors right now (yeaah, dude).
The root of things is key here, as all my brain seems to be doing is searching back to why things are like this, how this all came to be. Sometimes it's all obvious to me, this lead to that which lead to that other thing and then the chicken crossed the road. At other times, it's all in a veil, part of a concept I am simply too young to understand.
I've matured at a fast rate these last months (this year, even?), which might be the reason for my mind's apparent origin-research. However, thoughts and feelings are not entirely intertwined, of that I am sure (otherwise things would not be as fun). Thus, I still need to come up with a reason, an origin of these feelings.
It should be pretty obvious by now, of course.
I've been going back and forth in the amounts of honesty I've shown on this blog. During this long time, I've gotten lots and lots of new secrets to keep, making me feel dishonest to my readers but reliable to my friends. I've also seen many new things, like the different effects honesty can have, sometimes good, sometimes bad. There's also the factor of my current opinion, feelings, laziness and other details. Either way, I try to be as honest as can be.
Try being the keyword.
I have lots to say about trying, everyone does. All the time we hear the words "you should at least try" and in some cases "just try your best and have fun".
Trying my best has never made sense to me, in a way. "best" as a word is actually quite confusing when you think too much about it (thinking too much used to be my specialty, as well as thinking too little. Paradox much?).
I don't want to try my best, it's such a pain if it doesn't go well. I always keep a little bit of energy to ensure that not all is lost in case I fail.
It's probably (partially) thanks to that nature that I've managed to get here. Failures cause me so much pain and regret, if I didn't keep any reserves, I would just despair and lose myself at the very first failure.
Yes, people do fail, all the time (there's a blog dedicated to it). It's hilarious, it's sad, it's life.
However, I always try, make no mistake of that.
I try to improve my Japanese, I try to mature as a person, I try to gain more friends and confidence. And I really did try keeping my very first relationship, so no regrets there.
Alright, this is what it all summed up to. The reason I write about origins and trying, thoughts and nostalgia, honesty and failures. This is what I'm trying to say.
My very first girlfriend broke up with me back on Saturday. There are a lot of things I could elaborate upon that with, I could grant details. Like reasons, thoughts, feelings and overall whining.
But I won't. I believe this is the line I set when talking about my personal life here.
Or well, the line I set when I've had a few days of thinking, gotten to chat with a few people, kept a few secrets and recently had two cups of tea and two bars of chocolate.
And I feel good about it.
Since now I only miss you, friend.
